Supporting Excellence vs. Perfectionism
As parents of elite student athletes, we see how much our children love their sport, how much they sacrifice to excel, and the pressure they face to perform well. What may not be so apparent, is the mental toll of approaching their goals with expectations of perfection.
Elite sports are inherently competitive. Athletes are ranked, their performance is measured, and hierarchies are usually present. In the world of sports, one tenth of a second can open or close a door. Performance matters. As a result, it is easy for athletes to fall into the trap of constant comparison and focus on external standards. They may also begin to believe their self-worth is tied to their competency, and that they must perform perfectly to be successful.
Experts have defined this thinking as maladaptive perfectionism. An athlete risks falling into this mindset when she defines herself according to external measures alone. This might look like setting excessively high goals and being overly critical when falling short of where she believes she ‘should be’. 1
The external pressure to be perfect, whether imagined or real, can lead to burnout. The maladaptive perfectionistic mindset is a predictive and perpetuating factor for several mental health disorders like OCD, anxiety, depression, and eating disorders.2 It locks athletes into a place where they fear failure and limits their performance potential.
In contrast, adaptive perfectionism, or striving for excellence, occurs when an athlete is able to take risks and learn from his mistakes. Instead of trying to attain an impossible standard, his focus is on incremental improvement and consistency.
Striving for healthy excellence sets your athlete up for learning, improving, and achieving their goals in a positive way. As Aristotle said, “Excellence is never an accident. It is always the result of high intention, sincere effort, and intelligent execution.”
Such intention, effort, and execution are not fixed states, but a journey in which self-esteem is linked to the process of growth. Striving for healthy excellence involves focusing on behaviors and outcomes within an athlete’s control as opposed to focusing on factors outside their control. While perfection is an unrealistic state of flawlessness, excellence is a pathway that can be marked with setbacks and guided by intentional incremental improvements.
It might be helpful to remind your athlete that mistakes are part of the growth process, and more importantly, critical for learning. Parental focus on growth and development, along with unconditional support, can help combat an athlete’s perfectionistic tendencies. Talking with your athlete about how they perceive excellence and think about their growth can help shift from fear-driven perfectionism to desire-driven growth.
These questions can help you discuss a healthy approach to goal setting with your athlete:
What does healthy excellence look like to you? How is this different than perfection?
When might you feel the pressure to be perfect?
When is it important to focus on learning and when is it important to focus on performance?
If you were 5% better next year than you are this year, what might that look like? What can you focus on within your control to achieve this 5% improvement?
How might failures help you improve?
Frost, R. O., Marten, P., Lahart, C., and Rosenblate, R. (1990). The dimensions of perfectionism. Cogn. Ther. Res. 14, 449–468. doi: 10.1007/BF01172967
Sarah J. Egan, Tracey D. Wade, Roz Shafran. Perfectionism as a transdiagnostic process: A clinical review. Clinical Psychology Review, Volume 31, Issue 2, 2011, Pages 203-212, ISSN 0272-7358, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2010.04.009. (https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0272735810000723)
Breeze, Maureen and Schimmel, Suzanne, Ph. D. Playing the Long Game: A Handbook for Parenting Elite and College Athletes. The Coach Parent Athlete Project, 2022.